Friday, November 14, 2008

A Glimpse of The Father

It was almost 2 years ago now when I believe the Lord spoke to me (internally) “It’s time to stop looking for a father and start being one.” It’s been a difficult transition. It does however help, that I have the most wonderful natural children in the universe. My special needs son, Richy, has taught me to love unconditionally, and is a continual delight. My 2 year old son, Toby is a constant wonder and joy. My 1 year old daughter, Brynn, has captured my heart, and one day my pocketbook. Though God has done much healing in my heart over the years, I still occasionally get “hit” with a deep ache for personal fathering. This especially surfaces after some wonderful or terrible thing has happened to me. Of recent, I had a wonderful ministry tour this fall, full of so many exciting instances of seeing the power of God impact lives. Even still, at 31 years of age..I have no one to really report to about it in a personal way. This is a strange transition.

My parents divorced when I was 10 years old. My mother later married a man who was occasionally physically abusive and severely abusive.. verbally. It took me a few years of this to start believing that I might be worthless to the world. At 16 years old I had an encounter with God that began to unravel some of these lies. I also left home at 16. During this time I met a wonderful Christian family that seemed to good to be true. When they finally took me in to their home as a refugee, I found out it was indeed true! They had their difficulties, but somehow were always laughing and enjoying one another. The father, Calvin Stanley, was especially impacting in his gentleness toward his wife and children. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t see that same gentleness translated into how I treat my own children. In return for this families kindness, I married their daughter, ha! After just 6 years of watching this man be a father in real time, he suddenly died of a heart attack, at just 52 years old. 4 years is all I had. I think I miss him today.

I am thankful for the glimpse of the father heart of God through this man. All relationships that impact us with true love, stem from God.

So what am I left to do with this ache that has suddenly “hit” me again? How can I truly love my children, natural and spiritual, with out being consumed in love myself? Rom 8:15 says “…you received the spirit of adoption, by who we cry out ‘Abba Father’…” More than a bible verse, this “spirit of adoption” must be an abiding reality in my heart. I must strengthen myself in the love of God for me. I have to believe and receive His love.

Rom 8:37 in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.

Thanks for letting me counsel myself.. I need to go upstairs, it’s time to start being a father.

PRAYER: God, for those fatherless, I pray you manifest your love as you have to me. May they know to perfect love of God that causes us to overcome any difficulty. May they be encouraged today in your perfect love!
The ultimate resolve of the ache in all our hearts won’t take place until the “redemption of all things.” However, God does give us a tangible deposit or glimpse of that resolve to those who seek Him. His Holy Spirit.

We are all in the process of joining or rejecting the divine fellowship of the Trinity.

1 comment:

Matthew Lilley said...

dude... that was a totally scatter-brained post that i totally related to... thanks for being honest.